Rock Bottom
by Claire6
Summary: In the episode "May Day" what would have been the repercussions if Carter had refused Benton's offer of help and instead walked away?
1. Default Chapter

"Rock Bottom"

Part 1 

Rated:PG–13

Spoilers:Season three and season six from "Be Still My Heart"

Disclaimer:ER and all its characters belong to NBC etc and no infringement of their copyright is intended.

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"Carter wait!" Benton angrily yelled running out of the ambulance bay after the young doctor. "Carter what are you gonna do? Piss it all away, everything you have worked for, eight years of your life."

"They're the ones handing out the ultimatums!" Carter spat back, walking backwards.

"No ultimatums Carter. You're getting in that van."

"Like hell I am!" 

"You're not going to do this!"

They tell you that I'm some kind of junkie and you believe them and you come down and ambush me." The young doctor accused slowing down to face the surgeon.

"Carter you're outta control man. If you can't see that then I don't care but you're getting into that van." Benton bellowed gesturing to the blue vehicle parked on the street in front of them. 

"No!"

"Get in the van!" The surgeon ordered grabbing his former student's arm.

"Don't touch me." Carter angrily replied tearing his arm out of Benton's grip and making a start toward the sidewalk.

"Get in the van." Benton repeated forcefully reaching for his friend again. .

"Don't touch me!"

Benton paused for a moment at the entrance of the ambulance bay to measure up his limited options. Carter was extremely agitated and obviously was not going to back down any time soon so he desperately tried the first tactic that sprung to mind. He needed Carter to see what he had become.

He paused for a moment and wearily closed his eyes. Benton had not believed it when Kerry had voiced her suspicions to him earlier today in the lounge. This was Carter; one of the friendliest docs in the ER with such an honest and thoughtful nature. It just was not in him to do this. But when Benton had seen the younger doctor in Exam three tonight, the way he paced like a caged animal, the tone with which he spoke to his superiors and then the almost abusive scene with Chen, Benton reluctantly had to accept the truth. Locking Carter in a stormy gaze, he asked his friend the question he knew would make or break the situation.

"Where does it end man huh? This week fentanyl next week you end up dead or worse you end up like your cousin some babbling gork in a nursing home."

Unfortunately for the surgeon the response was not the one he had been so hoping for. Before he knew what was happening Carter responded by punching him hard in the face.

"Don't you ever speak about my cousin that way again, do you hear me?! Never! Who the hell do you think you are?!!"

"Carter man…calm down alright…" Benton placated trying to reach for Carter's arm whilst ignoring the pain radiating from his cheek. There was no way Carter would see reason in this agitated state.

"I said leave me the hell alone!" Carter wildly screamed. "There's nothing, I repeat nothing wrong me." Why couldn't anyone see it? "I don't need your help, and even if I did I certainly wouldn't come to you after tonight."

"Carter…" Benton started, but was soon interrupted.

"You of all people, how could you think such things of me?" Carter cried anguished and quickly turned and walked off into the night.

Benton stood hands on hips at a loss, watching his last chance to help his friend fade swiftly out of sight.

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When Carter quietly opened the front door to his grandparent's house later on that night he silently prayed that both his relatives had already gone to bed. He wasn't up to speaking to them, uttering pleasantries and discussing their day's events, not today. He had spent most of the evening driving around the city thinking and now he just wanted to go upstairs to bed.

He closed the door softly behind him and gingerly stepped into the hallway. He felt his heart sink when he saw the kitchen light on and noise echoing from the room. 

He was severely tempted just to race up the stairs to his room and hide away, but he knew whoever was in the kitchen (most probably his night owl Gamma) would hear him and call out to him. So he decided to face the music now and get it out of the way. 

Stepping into the large kitchen Carter wearily glanced around and observed his Grandmother heating some milk up on the stove. Not wanting to scare her he quickly greeted her and then sat stiffly down on the stool underneath the counter. *Great idea John. Sitting in a car all night does wonders for your back. *

His grandmother turned at the sound of his voice and smiled warmly at him.

"John, well this is a surprise. I didn't expect you back until after midnight. Has something happened?"

Carter paused, nervously rubbing his hands together as he thought back to his day. He was torn with whether to tell her what had happened or not. What would his Grandmother think of him if he just blurted out the truth? About how his friends accused him of being a drug addict and then fired him. He was so tempted just to break down and tell her and let it all out. But how much would he regret it afterwards? He couldn't bear it if his beloved Gamma turned away from him. She was the only one out of his entire family that he could really talk to. His parents and sister were rarely in the country as like the rest of his family. The only ones he ever saw were his grandparents who actually lived in Chicago. Was he really prepared to risk their relationship over what had happened at work? 

He hastily grabbed at the nearest object he could see, a pen, and then fiddled about with it in his hands to ease his nervousness. A flash of red suddenly caught his attention and he took in the swelling of his right hand. Did he really hit his mentor? 

"John?"

He looked up to see his grandmother staring at him quizzically, waiting for a reply and quickly hid his bruised hand under the table along with the truth. No he couldn't… wouldn't tell her anything.

"No, nothing. It was just a quiet night in the ER so I got sent home early. Nothing special." He forced out looking down, hoping that his Grandmother wouldn't notice how weak he sounded or the tears in his voice. He could feel her gaze on him, giving him the once over. Would she see the tremble in his hands or the sweat on his forehead? Could she witness how scared he was? He had to get out of there right now.

"I uh think I'll just grab a shower and then call it a night Gamma, I'm fairly tired." He said trying to sound convincing. He paused then hesitantly raised his head. Could she see through his lies?

He carefully placed the pen back on the counter then stood up and kissed his Grandmother goodnight before fleeting upstairs to the safety of his room.

Watching with concern as her youngest grandchild trudged up the stairs; Millicent Carter worried about what had happened at the hospital. She knew something must have occurred for John to be in such a state. She could only hope that he would speak to her about it when he was ready and not bottle it up inside.

"Goodnight my sweet, goodnight."

When Carter reached his bedroom he quickly stepped inside the familiar darkness and locked the door behind him. He didn't bother turning the light on; he just wanted to fade into the background and disappear. Tears began to creep down his face as he slowly collapsed onto the floor despairing about what had happened this evening. Scenes replayed in his mind from the so called intervention as the young doctor closed his eyes and tiredly leaned his head against the wooden door.

__

"It's apparent to all of us that you have a drug problem."…"You've demonstrated compulsive drug seeking behaviour."…"There's a drug treatment centre…"…

He took a deep breath and sighed. Was he really a drug addict? Was he really spending his time looking for a quick fix? He pictured Chase and his life before his overdose, how he had sneaked around, lying to his family. Was he really like his cousin? Was that honestly how he had lived his life for the past month or two now?

He had spent the time after Valentine's Day on some sort of autopilot, running through the motions; get up, go to work, come back, go to bed. And it had worked for a while too, until the nightmares began. Then he had begun to be afraid of closing his eyes and going to sleep, as he didn't know what the night would bring. Sometimes it was Paul Sobriki chasing him with a knife, other times it was Lucy desperately calling out to him for help.

Once he started having trouble sleeping then the tiredness kicked in. His body grew exhausted, he didn't have any energy to do anything, and his back started to hurt twice as much. A hollowness just seemed to keep growing inside and the only way out of it seemed to be his medication. Whenever he took that it was like his problems were locked away from him for a while and there was light at the end of the dark tunnel. 

But then after a period of time the tunnel suddenly sealed shut before he could reach the light and everything came flooding back to him. The only response he could muster was another dose of his medication. That was the only cure. He needed the drugs to keep him sane, without them he would always be in that dark place. Couldn't his friends see that? Was he such a bad person for wanting something other than the traumatic remembrance of the pain and suffering he had been through?

*No!* Carter screamed inside as he shook his head emphatically. He was a good person and a damn fine doctor and no one was going to take that away from him.

He was stabbed twice in the back with a six inch butcher knife, he was bound to be in a lot of pain and consequently he was going to need pain medication to function and carry out day to day tasks. So what if he took slightly more than the prescribed dose. Working as a doctor in emergency medicine was a hectic life and it took it out of you.

"I am not a drug addict." "I am not a drug addict." Carter whispered banging his head against the back of the door each time he muttered it.

His so called friends were mistaken. They were wrong to believe such awful things about him and fire him. His head shot up as he considered that last thought. Fire him. They had fired him. Carter swiftly stood up and angrily started pacing the length of his room. They had fired him…fired him of all things. They had taken the one thing that mattered to him in the entire world and for what…something they wrongly believed to be true. He couldn't let them do that. What was he supposed to do with his life besides being a doctor? He had spent so much time this evening focusing on what had happened today he had forgotten about tomorrow. What was he supposed to do? Throughout his whole life he had only wanted to be a doctor, he couldn't imagine doing anything else, nor did he want to.

As he thought more about it he realised that his colleagues had no right to do that, to fire him on the ridiculous accusation of one medical student. A recently recruited medical student he should add. What did she know about hospital procedure? Yet they had taken her word over that of an experienced doctor with a noteworthy record. Surely they couldn't do that legally?

A sudden knock at his door roused Carter from his musing. He hesitantly switched on the bedroom light and curiously crossed the room to find his Grandmother at the door with a cup of warm milk.

"Hello John. I thought you might like one of these while I was making one." She said offering the cup to her grandson.

"Thanks Gamma, I would actually." He replied and carefully turned and placed the warm cup on the mat on his bedside table.

"Is everything ok John? You look upset." Millicent asked concerned, stepping into the room. Worry was evident in her dark eyes and her brow was furrowed slightly. She hoped that her grandson would be able to open up to her.

John warily returned his gaze to his Grandmother and weighed up the pros and cons of telling her. His Grandmother loved him and would surely take his side, wouldn't she? She was also a powerful woman and had a lot of contacts. Certainly she would be the one to help him get his job back.

He took a deep breath. "Actually Gamma there is uh something." Carter hesitantly stammered, sitting himself slowly down on his bed. He cautiously looked up at his grandmother and, whilst twiddling his hands together, tried to prepare what he was going to say in his head.

Millicent could tell that whatever John was going to say was important and so sat down next to her grandson on the bed in a gesture of comfort and clasped her hands together. Carter took a deep breath and then began to tell his Grandmother his version of the day's events.

"What?!" Millicent Carter responded a few minutes later, angry and astonished. "You mean to tell me that you were just doing your job and they accused you of being a drug addict because of it?" Seeing John's nervous nod of his lowered head made Millicent's blood boil. How dare they accuse her beloved grandson of something so terrible, it was just unthinkable. John had been through a tremendous ordeal and deserved compassion and support, not wrongful accusations. And then to go and dismiss him in such a way, how could they treat him like that?

"Don't worry John. I'll get onto our lawyers first thing in the morning to sort everything out. There is no possibility that that hospital can dismiss you for some absurd allegation. It is obviously a mistake, one that we will swiftly rectify."

Millicent assured him comfortingly and then kissed the top of her grandson's head.

"We'll soon have you back there where you belong, my dear, don't you be concerned about it."

Carter raised his head and just stared at his grandmother for a moment in sheer amazement before quietly telling her "You don't know how much it means to me to hear you say that Gamma. That I belong there." 

Millicent smiled and tenderly squeezed his hand. She then stood up and bid John goodnight as she slowly walked out the door.

She had meant every word of it as well. In the past she had been greatly opposed to John having anything to do with that hospital. On more than one occasion she had desperately tried to convince him to start up his own practice or join the family business. He however had always dismissed such ideas and she had finally seen just how much her grandson loved working as a doctor at the hospital.

She had visited the hospital a few times in order to assess the clinic and she had had the wonderful opportunity of witnessing John at work there. Inwardly Millicent had been incredibly proud of her grandson as he attended to people in need.

He had also displayed his vast knowledge and experience at the Keller Institute, advising his grandparents with respect to his cousin Chase.

"You are a wonderful doctor John and I am extremely proud of you." 

Carter sadly smiled at her words as he watched his grandmother leave.

"Goodnight Gamma." 


	2. Rock Bottom Part 2

"Rock Bottom"

Part 2

Disclaimer:ER and all its characters belong to NBC etc and no infringement of their copyright is intended.

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Peter Benton wearily leaned his head in his hands as he quietly sat undisturbed on the wooden bench outside the hospital. It had been close to half an hour since Carter had left and the surgeon still couldn't face going back inside. Stepping into that building alone meant admitting defeat, and that was something that Benton wasn't used to.

As he bent back to run his hands over his head he painfully felt the bruise starting to appear on his cheekbone, and shock ran through his veins. He could not believe that Carter had hit him. In all the years that he had worked with the young doctor, teaching him and helping him grow as a physician, the surgeon never thought the day would come that Carter would turn around to him in anger and punch him, not Carter. He was one of the kindest and most amicable people going and had such a friendly personality.

Yet as Benton thought about his friend a hint of doubt suddenly appeared in his mind and he sighed with contemplation. In his heart Peter knew that Carter had been a shell of himself since Valentine's Day, he had just never done anything about it.

The older doctor had always believed that if Carter had had a problem of some sort then he would have confided in someone about it, maybe not himself but possibly Kerry or Chen. It worried him that Carter had been dealing with all this alone, just letting it build up inside without dealing with it.

Mark had told him earlier that Carter had not seen any therapists since the attack, so how the hell had no one noticed the anguish that was effecting one of their own?

Benton tenderly ran his hand over his sore face again hoping that none of the hospital staff would notice anything wrong. He didn't want Carter in any more trouble or have to explain the circumstances surrounding it.

Looking at his watch he decided with reluctance to make a move, knowing that the others would be anxiously waiting inside to hear from him. The surgeon knew what it was like to be left in the dark and he didn't wasn't to inflict that on the others.

Rising to his feet, he tiredly made his way inside the hospital. He had been keeping them waiting too long already.

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Staring at the phone at the admit desk, willing it to ring was Kerry Weaver. She had been sitting there for a while now, using the excuse of chart review as her reason for staying there so long.

She had bypassed all her patients onto a confused Luka for fear of missing a phone call from Peter, and was now idly tapping her pen against the desk.

When she had left Curtain Three earlier that evening she didn't know what to do; she had just been in complete turmoil. Saying such things to a person she admired and respected had just about destroyed her inside. She could only hope that Peter would be able to make John see the sense he needed. But what if he refused to see? A quote just kept grating in her head ever since Mark had told her what Abby had seen.

"If you don't look, you won't see."

How had no one seen? When she looked back she realised that John had shown all the signs for months yet no one had taken the time to help him. Whenever they asked how he was he always replied with a blunt "Fine" and they had taken that on face value, just accepted that he was indeed fine and moved on. She cursed herself again for that poor display of friendship. 

If she had only realised earlier than John was still in a lot of pain and had taken the time to talk him, really talk to him, then perhaps he would have confided in her. After all she thought staring at her crutch, she dealt with pain on a daily basis and had developed various treatments and therapies to help her, maybe she could have helped John and supported him through his crisis so that he wouldn't have turned to his medication as a form of comfort.

They had lived together in the past for quite a while and built up what she would like to think of as a solid friendship so how had they arrived at this point tonight?

If someone had said this morning that by the end of the day she would have accused a trusted friend and colleague of drug abuse and theft she would have practically killed herself laughing. She kept looking back to the day's events to convince herself that it really was true.

"_Show us your wrists!" _

"Are we looking for track marks?"

"Yeah."

She inwardly shivered remembering the heated exchange. Was she right to have organised the intervention? Even with the small group of his friends John still thought they had ganged up on him, so would it have been better done on a one to one basis?

*Stop playing the what if game Kerry. It won't achieve anything. *

The familiar whoosh of the ambulance bay doors made her raise her head with optimism and she was delighted when she saw Peter stomping into the hospital.

"Peter?"

Benton reluctantly turned his head at the sound of Kerry's voice and inwardly cringed. That one word filled with so much hope. He hated being the one to disappoint.

The surgeon sadly shook his head at her and then trudged into the doctor's lounge. He was filled with relief when he observed that it was empty. Crossing the small room quickly he paused at the coffee machine. He took a plastic cup from the small pile and poured himself a cup before sitting down heavily at the table in the middle of the room.

His mind raced with everything that had happened tonight and he let his dark eyes wander the room. When they rested on Carter's locker he started glaring at it.

* Carter man what were you thinking? *

Hearing the door quietly creek open he knew without turning around that it was Kerry. 

"Kerry look I know you want to find out what happened, but can we just leave it for now? I really don't feel like having this conversation at the moment."

He slowly turned his body round to face her and was overcome with surprise and guilt at seeing her eyes welled with tears, her face drawn and pale. Benton swallowed hard. How could he not tell her?

The surgeon looked down at his feet before taking a deep breath. He waited for her to sit down then leaned back in his chair and started.

"He wasn't ready, Kerry, just wasn't ready." He mumbled, "He's in such denial that he can't see what he is doing to himself." 

The surgeon quickly took a sip of his coffee, savouring the bitterness.

"I tried everything I could think of to get through to him but he just wouldn't listen. I even tried using his cousin as a reason for help," he admitted guiltily. "I thought that maybe one of Carter's biggest fears was knowing that he could be travelling head first towards the same fate of his cousin and if I mentioned Chase then perhaps Carter would react to it."

"And did he?"

"Not in the way that I hoped."

Kerry took in what he was saying then glanced up to meet her colleague's gaze, gasping when she saw the swelling of his cheek.

"What happened?" She asked staring at Benton's face in concern.

Benton quickly stood up and faced the window, keeping his back to Kerry. He paused for a moment staring at the continuous hustle of everyday hospital life through the window before grudgingly admitting the truth.

"I thought that it would help him realise what he was becoming. But he turned around and punched me for it instead. And you know what?" he asked, his voice rising. " Part of me is glad that he did. Because perhaps he will comprehend that if he could do that to me," he yelled pointing at himself. "A colleague, a friend, a person he respects then what could he do to himself?" 

A horrifying flood of images suddenly invaded Benton's thoughts and he shook his head in a feverish attempt to get rid of them. Rubbing his temples he decided just to go home and get the hell out of this place.

He quickly drank the rest of his coffee and placed the empty cup in the bin.

"I'm gonna go, call it a night. Maybe after a good nights sleep he'll see sense." 

"What if he doesn't?" Kerry asked, trying to keep the fearful edge out of her voice.

Benton shrugged his shoulders and replied without a moment's hesitation, "Try again. And again until we get through. We can't…won't give up on him."


	3. Rock Bottom Part 3

"Rock Bottom"

Part 3

Spoilers: Season 6

Disclaimer:ER and all its characters belong to NBC etc and no infringement of their copyright is intended.

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Dr Robert Romano was happy. No scratch that he was more than happy, he was ecstatic. As he walked down the long surgical hallway he could not help the grin that manifested on his face every time he mentally reread the letter that was now secured tightly in his briefcase. After months of determined wrangling he had finally managed to convince Paula, the reporter from the Gazette, to return to the hospital and conduct a second interview, only this time with him in the question seat. 

Putting Elizabeth Corday in control of the previous interview had only resulted in unfavourable publicity for County and her picture plastered all over the front page.

He tightened his grip on his raincoat and grimaced remembering his utter bafflement

and anger at discovering his minute picture next to the obituaries of all places.

What was supposed to have tooted the horn of County and the dedicated new Chief of Staff, had only resulted in a detailed description of a violent shootout in the ER and a ER resident clamping his first aortic rupture on an eight year old.

He shook his head quickly as if shaking the painful memories away.

* No matter Robert, this time you will certainly make up for it. What woman can resist The Rocket? * 

As he turned an abrupt corner he chuckled to himself thinking about his handsome profile in the rightful position on the front page.

"Ah Lizzie!" He exclaimed as the female surgeon suddenly exited the changing rooms up ahead. "And how are we on this beautiful morning?" He asked falling quickly into pace with her.

"Good morning Robert," Elizabeth replied a hint of confusion evident in her voice as they continued down the hallway. "I'm very well thank you."

"Great! Got any hot ones this morning?"

"Well I'm just about to go and scrub for an appy actually."

"An appy? Oh. Well have fun slicing and dicing." He commented as they soon arrived at the ORs. Manoeuvring around a passing porter and gurney he bid his farewells to the female surgeon then continued on his way to his office.

"Uh thank you Robert." Elizabeth replied pausing with bewilderment as she watched the male surgeon round the corner. He was awfully happy. Too happy. The theme from The Twilight Zone started to play in her head and she giggled to herself.

"See you later Lizzie for lunch," He shouted over his shoulder, chuckling. However his broad smile soon was wiped off of his face when he came face to face with two smartly dressed men standing outside his office, reeking of authority.

"Robert Romano?" One of them asked, looking him up and down before frowning.

"Dr Robert Romano, yes?" The surgeon replied, not giving an inch.

"We represent Lincoln and McDermott, Attorneys at Law." The taller man declared giving Romano one of their business cards. "May we have a moment of your time please?"

"What's this all about?"

"I do not think the hallway is an appropriate place to discuss this matter, do you doctor?" The man answered with a hint of disdain.

*Arrogant son of a …* "No of course not. Why don't we go into my office then? We will be more comfortable in there." The surgeon offered as he pointed his free hand to show the way.

"Thank you."

Fifteen minutes later the wooden office door slammed open and a red faced Romano stormed over to his shocked receptionist.

"Get Kerry Weaver up here NOW!" 

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Kerry Weaver sighed deeply as she slowly made her way into the ambulance bay. What a morning it was, she contemplated as she glanced up at the overcast sky. The wind was tearing at her body like a vacum and she had trouble maintaining her balance with her crutch. 

Anticipation was rising in her tense muscles as she imagined what she would confront this morning in the hospital. Would John have changed his mind? Had he come back to talk to her? She hadn't slept much last night, tossing and turning as she pondered all the questions her frantic mind kept asking. She could only hope, she thought as she paused to let the electric doors slide open.

She caught sight of her reflection in the glass and winced slightly at her exhausted features. She absently ran her cold hand through her hair as she prayed that this day went a lot better than the previous one. 

Undoing her long coat she silently crutched over towards the admit desk, taking in the empty waiting area and the quietness of the desk. She furtively glanced around the ER, craning her neck to try and find any sign of Carter.

"Amira, has Carter been in today?" She queried.

"No his shift isn't till later. I thought you would know that." The dark haired woman replied giving Kerry her small pile of messages before saying:

"Oh Dr Romano wants to see you in his office immediately. He said if you were not told the moment you stepped through the door, I should consider myself fired." 

Kerry's head shot up instantly and she stared open mouthed at the dark haired receptionist. She mentally repeated what Amira had told her as her mind ticked over with all the reasons why she had been summoned upstairs.

Romano wanted to see her straight away, which did not bode well. He couldn't possibly know what had happened yesterday could he? Unless one of the others had told him, but she had specifically requested for absolute discretion regarding this matter, surely they wouldn't have disobeyed her.

"Dr Weaver?" 

Amira's voice roused her from her worried trail of thought.

"Aren't you going? It sounded very important."

"Yes thank you Amira." She snapped and then turned around and marched off in the direction of the doctor's lounge. She pushed the wooden door open and crossed the small room before nervously dialling the familiar combination of her locker and shrugging her long coat off her weary shoulders. 

After routinely straightening her crisp white coat Kerry headed off towards the elevators. She pressed her hand against the round button and anxiously tapped her foot on the floor worrying about what she was supposed to say. What if Carter came in today asking for their help and support, saying he had made a grave mistake, and she had told Romano everything? She doubted that Romano would respond as sympathetically as the others and herself had done. But then again what if Carter didn't appear? She couldn't be expected to keep his job open for him indefinitely. And how would she explain his departure?

There was also the fact that Romano wouldn't be happy about his exclusion from the intervention. How would she account for that?

Kerry quickly swallowed hard trying to regain her somewhat composure. She would just have to look on the bright side and hope that Romano was none the wiser about yesterday's events. Perhaps this meeting was just to discuss the summer budget instead. 

When the elevator finally appeared she quickly stepped inside and selected the button for the fourth floor. As she watched the metal doors close and the lights above her head indicating the floor level increase, she fiddled absently with the buttons on her blouse.

She prayed that this meeting would be brief, as she needed to get back to the ER to keep her eyes and ears open for John. She wanted to speak with him straightaway if he did appear and try and sort the situation out, amicably.

When she heard the familiar bing of the lift she took a deep breath and slowly stepped out. Walking down the empty corridor she tried to eradicate any last minute nerves appearing. 

The female doctor arrived at Romano's door fairly quickly and took a moment's pause before skipping into her well practised façade. Straightening the creases out of her jacket she swallowed hard and then knocked twice on the wooden door before entering. 

"Hello Sheila, Robert wanted to see me. Is it alright to go straight in?" Kerry asked the blond haired receptionist.

"Morning Kerry. You can go in now, he is expecting you." Sheila replied.

"Thank you." Kerry responded and stepped over towards the door.

"Robert?" she asked, knocking on the frosted glass window before peeking her head around the door.

He wheeled his chair round to greet her. "Kerry." He said smiling warmly. "Please do come in." 

This greeting threw Kerry immediately; something was not right. Why was he so happy and so pleased to see her, unless she was just misreading him? She looked closely at his face examining his features; his smile to her was a little too broad and didn't quite reach his eyes. It made her wonder what exactly was hidden behind that smile.

"Please take a seat." Romano said motioning towards the leather chair in front of his desk before crossing his arms against his chest and leaning backwards.

Kerry lowered her stiff body into the seat in front of her, all the while keeping her eyes locked on Romano.

"Is…" Kerry croaked out before taking a quick cough and continuing. "Is something the matter Robert?"

"Matter? What could possibly be the matter?" he replied clasping his hands together in front of him and examining them. "I mean just because I arrived at work today to discover two snotty nosed lawyers waiting for me at my office, why would anything be the matter?"

"Lawyers?" Kerry queried, inwardly smiling. This couldn't have anything to do with John then. Her mind raced with notions as she replayed the week's events. Maybe it concerned Luka and the young girl with the baby instead.

"Yes, two lawyers… representing the Carter family." Romano paused for a beat looking up to stare at Kerry's horrified expression. "Now I like to think that I have my finger on the pulse of every activity in this hospital. So you can imagine my surprise this morning however when I was gleefully informed by these lawyers that yesterday this very hospital accused one of its staff of drug abuse and theft of hospital narcotics. ……But wait that couldn't possibly happen here, not without the Chief of Staff knowing about it surely?" He said glaring at Kerry.

"Does any of this sound familiar to you Kerry, because it sure the hell didn't to me when I was told." Kerry met Robert's angry gaze as he stood up and began pacing the confines of his office.

"Are you familiar with the term unfair dismissal Kerry?" Romano asked angrily before pausing to hear a response. 

Kerry could only stare at him wide eyed, horror coursing through her body. 

* Oh God John what have you done? *

"No wait let me rephrase that. Do you have any idea who we are dealing with here? I mean do you know exactly how rich and how powerful the Carter family really is? Imagine their connections! For example, are you aware of the fact that Howard Davies of County's Davis Cardiac Wing is a close family friend…No?"

Romano scrutinised Kerry's forlorn expression. "Well how about the law firm representing them then? No again? Hmm you do surprise me. Lincoln and McDermott are well known throughout Chicago and probably the state. You do not mess with them! They are the best. They could file a suit that would fry our asses from here to…to… God I don't know Timbuktu!"

Kerry uncomfortably shifted in her seat. "What are their terms?"

"Well, they said that if we were willing to offer John Carter his job back, no strings attached…"

"But…" Kerry tried to interrupt.

"Not now Kerry…" He commanded raising his right hand. "…No strings attached with a full apology, then they would drop their lawsuit." 

Romano raised his eyebrows as if to say "Well?"

"Robert you can't be serious?!" She paused, biting her lip as she quickly summed up her options. Romano obviously knew everything now about yesterday so there was no need to protect Carter any longer. She didn't relish the idea of discussing John's problems with the emotionally challenged surgeon, but in the past they had had some sort of turbulent alliance. If Romano trusted her enough to put her in charge of the ER, maybe he would trust her enough to handle this problem by herself. She alone would have a better chance of stopping John's current cause of action, not Romano.

"Robert, you do not know what you are saying. Carter has a serious drug problem and needs professional help. He has still not recovered both mentally and physically from Valentine's Day. If you will just let me handle it, I'll speak to John myself and…"

"I'm sorry Kerry, but you had your chance yesterday and it's obvious how that turned out. So you are just going to have try my way now ok?"

Your way?" Kerry chuckled bitterly. "How is your way going to help?" She sighed exasperated. "Robert we cannot let him back here. He has been abusing his pain meds and has been seen injecting hospital fentanyl in the trauma room!"

Romano cocked his head. "By who?"

"Abby Lockhart, a new medical student."

"A medical student? Oh well then let's stop the panicking because that's really going to stand up in court, isn't it now!" He sighed rubbing his hand over his head. "Have you any other proof, a drugs test or anything?"

Kerry shook her head "He's taking a prescribed drug, he'll test positive anyway."

"Then we have no choice. I've already spoken to Legal about some of the issues raised by Carter's lawyers, and with your recent information about this Abby then we simply do not have a case here. It's one allegation from a newly recruited employee who is only just learning the ropes. We use that as the backbone of our defence and we'll be laughed out of the courtroom. There just isn't enough evidence to support your accusations. If we go ahead with Carter's dismissal then it will cost us a fortune in compensation, because he will win no matter what with that team of lawyers on his side."

The surgeon sighed heavily before returning to his chair. 

"Legal have informed me that County simply cannot afford to lose a case this big. They have recommended that we just have to accept their terms and deal with the repercussions any way that we can."

Kerry shook her head in sheer disbelief. "Robert there is no way that I am letting Carter back into my ER until he has been fully treated for his addiction."

"And under what authority do you have to say that, pray tell?"

"I'm Chief of Emergency Medicine!"

"Hmm I'm so confused as to what you think I am." He paused, rubbing his chin. "Could it possibly be…CHIEF OF STAFF!!!" 

"Now listen here Kerry, John Carter will be welcomed back here at this hospital with open arms, waving a full written apology. You will however keep an eye on him and the drugs lockup. You will keep tabs on his patients and the traumas he attends to, going over every one of his charts with a fine toothcomb.

I want everyone and I mean everyone watching him around the clock whilst he is in this building ok? If Carter is stealing from the hospital we need to have proper proof of it.

If and when we go up against these jackass lawyers we need to have substantial evidence to throw at them. Now can you do this or will I have to find someone else to play acting Chief of Emergency Medicine while you are suspended?"

"Don't worry Robert." Kerry replied witheringly. "I will do this. But I want it known though that I don't agree to it. John has a serious problem that he needs to face, and I don't think allowing him back here where the problem began is going to help him."

Romano sighed and Kerry watched the creases appear above his eyes. "I'm sorry Kerry but it's the best we can do. Our hands are tied."

"When does he start back?"

"Tomorrow."

Kerry shook her head with disgust as she stood up to leave.

"You are making a terrible mistake here Robert. I can't tell you how wrong you are. You are willing to put patients at risk by allowing a doctor to work in the ER whilst addicted to a narcotic?"

"He's been working in the ER without fault for the past two months and you haven't complained, but it's still wrong for me to let him work now?"

"It's not the same and you know it! It's a mistake!"

No Kerry it is not. You made the mistake yesterday by not informing me about this situation. Did you think I wouldn't find out?"

"I thought it would be best for a small group to confront him that he knows and trusts. It still would be best for me to handle it, not informing the entire ER of the situation. It will just push him further away, and that is something he doesn't need at the moment. Please Robert, I will speak to him later and try to convince him to change his mind about his lawsuit.

We have a place for him at a drug treatment centre in Atlanta. He can go on hiatus and receive the proper attention he needs and then return to us later on in the year."

Kerry exhaled frustrated. "If you just give me some time I'll work this out."

"We don't have any time! Look if Carter does indeed have a problem then he is obviously not ready to face it yet, or he wouldn't have called his lawyers. The best thing we can do is to give him some time to think. Once he has had a little breathing space then he might decide to go to Atlanta and get treated for this alleged addiction instead of taking County to court."

"It's not alleged, it's fact."

"Well we'll soon see won't we. Close the door on the way out would you."

The only response he got was a ferocious door slamming.


	4. Rock Bottom Part 4

"Rock Bottom"

Part 4

Disclaimer: ER and all its characters belong to NBC etc and no infringement of their copyright is intended.

-------------------------------------------------------

Once free of the confinements of the hospital elevator, Kerry Weaver stormed down the long ER corridor like a woman possessed. Anger radiated from the doctor from every pore as she headed towards the reception desk to search for Mark. She could not believe Romano's behaviour upstairs in his office; allowing John to come back to work at County and treat patients like nothing had happened was a serious error in judgement.

John had been taking narcotics whilst at work and so therefore he had been treating patients whilst high. And Romano was happy just to let Carter continue to do this?

Couldn't he accept her word that the resident had become overly dependent on his pain meds?

She lowered her shaking head as she rounded a corner. She could not get over it. This was not going to help Carter see how much of a problem he has, if anything it would only support his belief that he hasn't got a problem at all.

There was also another difficulty with Romano's scheme; how was she supposed to continue with the overwhelming duties of Chief of Emergency Medicine and watch over a resident throughout his entire, possibly chaotic, shift? Plus check his patient charts on top of checking her own.

There was also the fact that in traumas things can get extremely hectic and you need to focus entirely on attempting to save the patient, not watching a doctor to see how much painkiller he draws up for the patient and if he keeps any for himself.

Romano had also ordered her to tell the others in the ER about John's condition and make sure that they continuously watch his behaviour. Did she tell everyone or just those closest to Carter? Logically telling the nurses would be best as they were with the doctors more than anyone else was. 

Kerry suddenly paused deep in thought just before the admit desk, almost sending a startled Malucci flying over her. She barely gave him a glance as she continued with her troubling thoughts. Haleh and Lydia and a few of the other nurses had known Carter since he first started here as a med student. They obviously cared a great deal about the young resident and would probably want to try their hardest to give John the help and support he desperately needs. There were also the people who had taken part in the intervention: Jing-Mei, Peter and Mark. Donald was not around enough to observe Carter's behaviour so it wouldn't benefit the situation to inform him.

Kerry decided just to confide in those closest to Carter and spent the greatest time with him, as this would be less suspicious to the resident.

Satisfied that this would be the best solution, Kerry marched over to a sitting Mark Greene and waited until he had replaced the telephone's receiver into it's rightful position before speaking.

"Mark…could I speak to you for a moment please?" She asked softly.

The male doctor turned his head to face her. "Sure Kerry what's up?"

"No in private please." She responded motioning towards an empty exam room nearby.

Mark wordlessly nodded and followed Kerry into Curtain 2, closing the door firmly behind him.

"Is something the matter?" He queried concerned. He had heard through the ER grapevine that a furious Romano had been looking for Kerry this morning and he had been curious as to what she had been on the receiving end of.

Kerry sighed and rubbed her temples in a vain attempt to recede her growing headache. "God I don't know where to start." She admitted and tiredly perched herself on a neighbouring stool and leant her crutch against her leg. She decided just to launch straight into it. "Carter has called in his lawyers, he's claiming unfair dismissal." She paused and looked at her companion for a response.  


"What?!" Mark exclaimed, stunned.

"Yeah, that's the reason why Romano wanted to see me first thing this morning. Apparently two lawyers representing the Carter family paid a visit to him in his office upstairs. Essentially they informed him that if Carter was not allowed to continue his medical career here at County then they would bring legal action against the hospital." 

"I can't believe this." Mark told her, leaning his body against an adjacent gurney and folding his arms over his chest. "What did Romano say?"

Kerry chuckled bitterly and brushed a strand of auburn hair out of her tired eyes.

"He talked to legal and they basically informed him that we have no case here, Carter has to come back to work in the ER. County isn't prepared to lose a case this big with the minuscule amount of evidence we have; it's just one allegation Mark. 

They are not prepared to fight it…" She continued, lowering her voice "…not like we are."

Mark was absolutely astounded. He felt a burst of anger start to take over his body.

"Did you fully explain the situation to him? That Carter was stealing narcotics from the trauma rooms?" 

"I told him everything Mark. I tried everything I could think of to convince him to rethink his decision, but every one of my arguments was futile." Kerry explained

"How could he do that?" Mark asked perplexed. " A doctor in the ER is stealing drugs and injecting them whilst on duty and even with knowing this he still saw it best to let Carter return; it's just senseless. I'd like to know what kind of objectivity he seem to have that we don't!"

The female doctor nodded in agreement. "He's only looking at it from a legal perspective, it's different for us."

"So what," Mark asked waving his hands in the air. "We are just going to let him back here like nothing has happened?"

Kerry nodded again. "But I want everyone on the lookout. If Carter tries anything again I want to know about it. Then we'll take it from there. I think everyone who was at the intervention yesterday and the nurses who are closest to Carter should be informed.

Mark sighed as he stood up and opened the exam door. "Okay I'll go and round up the troops…or should I say spies?" He questioned bitterly, shaking his head as he walked out into the hallway.

Kerry put her hand into her crutch and stepped towards the door, watching Mark's retreating figure from her solitary position in the doorway.

*When had things become so complicated?*

------------------------------------------------------

The shrill ringing of the telephone downstairs awoke Carter from his morning slumber and he groaned loudly at the interruption. It was one of the lovely perks he had come to discover of living in a large mansion; every single noise no matter what the volume would echo throughout the entire house. 

After a few moments the young doctor tried burrowing his head under his large pillow as a source of cover but the incessant noise kept rebounding in his head. 

"God damn it, shut the hell up!" He muttered into his mattress, willing for someone to answer it. 

As if the higher powers had been listening to his prayers the phone was suddenly picked up and the sound finally ceased.

Putting his hands flat on either side of his pillow Carter reluctantly pushed his head from his comfy hiding place and shook his head from side to side. He wearily ran his hand through his hair and turned on his side to try and invoke some life into him.

* Hallelujah. *

Blearily peering at his alarm clock on his wooden bedside table Carter tried to focus on the red coloured readout. It took him a moment to horrifyingly realise that it was after 12pm. 

*Shit!! I'm gonna be late for work!*

The resident quickly leapt from his cocoon of a duvet and made a dive for the bathroom, all the while cursing his body for not falling asleep sooner. It took him so long nowadays to fall asleep that sometimes he just gave up and wandered the confines of the property as a source of comfort. Of course this had it's consequences and his sleeping pattern had suffered so much that when he did manage to get some shuteye events soon caught up with him and he could sleep for hours, dead to the world.

Why didn't he set his alarm clock? Now Kerry would be pissed at him and………oh, right.

He paused just before the entrance to his bathroom as the previous day's events came flooding back to him in painstaking detail, and his stomach started churning. The young doctor wearily eased himself down onto the side of the bath and pondered what to do now.

He no longer had a job to go to so there seemed no obvious reason to continue with his current course of action. Turning his gaze briefly through the bathroom door to his unkempt bed, he knew he would not be able to get back to sleep now unfortunately. His body was not that accommodating.

Maybe he should get up anyway and try contacting the other hospitals in Chicago. There was always the possibility that one of them would have a position available, that is assuming that Kerry hadn't already blackened his name at every medical establishment in the area. That wouldn't surprise him.

His grandmother had informed him last night that first thing this morning she would call the family lawyers and rectify the situation. However this would almost definitely result in the informing of Romano and once he was acquainted with the situation then there would be little possibility of a career inside or outside County. 

An intriguing thought suddenly popped inside of Carter's head as he leaned his head into his right hand and placed his elbow on his knee. What if Romano actually believed his side of the story instead? Who's to say he wouldn't? An inexperienced medical student made the allegation, and if it weren't for Kerry and Mark jumping on the bandwagon, putting two and two together and getting five, then none of this would have happened. They stuck their noses in where they did not belong and just saw what they wanted to see. Had either of them once noticed all the pain that he had been in these last few months? Had they ever realised the effort he had put in to coming back to work and trying to put things behind him? All that takes a lot out of a person, especially a person still in continuous pain. Is it so much to ask for a little understanding of his position?

__

*I've been here, I've showed up.*

*That's not the point John.*

Perhaps if he explained the situation to Romano personally and confessed that he still was in a lot of pain, but that there is absolutely no possibility of him stealing from the hospital. Yes he would admit that it was wrong to waste narcotics down the sink without someone there to witness that, but he just thought that being an experienced doctor that it wouldn't matter. He was wrongly naïve and he would accept his punishment for that, but not for something he didn't do. Drug addict indeed. Did he look like a drug addict? Would someone like him become a drug addict?

There was also the fact that Kerry had recently been suspended for going against Romanos orders concerning a patient. The surgeon would not have liked that. It was probably a safe bet that things are tense between the two chiefs at the moment. If Carter played on this and reminded Romano that he has had an unblemished past at County, then the resident could probably convince Romano to believe him over Kerry.

"John?"

The sound of his grandmother's voice calling him from downstairs startled Carter and he suddenly slipped from his safe perch on the side of the bath, banging his lower back on the hard floor. Agonising pain shot down his left side and he scrunched his eyes tightly shut and grinded his teeth together to try and overcome it.

After a few long moments of taking deep breaths he struggled to raise himself up and shakingly reached out his hand to the large medicine cabinet above the sink.

Catching his reflection in the mirror made him pause and the doctor gasped with shock at the person that stared back at him; he almost didn't recognise himself. Dark circles now surrounded what were once bright and caring orbs of brown. Now only endless pools of sadness were evident. Paleness also now engulfed his features and he wondered when was the last time he had been out in the sun.

Carter shook his head to banish the awful image and focused on the greater emergency – his back. As he opened the door to peer inside, his hands trembled with anticipation. The cabinet was filled with an abundness of various medicines and the doctor had to search through the different bottles and packets until his hand landed on the white bottle he was so desperately looking for.

He had sweet-talked his doctor into prescribing him something stronger for his back under the agreement that he would go and see someone at the hospital regarding the large amount of pain he was in. Carter had to draw on the little amount of surgical expertise he still possessed to describe the surgical procedure that had been carried out on him on Valentine's Day. He had exaggerated some of the procedures a bit and informed his doctor that Dr Benton had admitted that his hematoma wasn't resolving as fast as it should have been. 

Fortunately his doctor was getting old and had known Carter since he was a child and had therefore taken him at his word. The resident hated lying to him as the man had been wonderful to him his entire life, but he was so desperate for relief that it was the only alternative.

He had even resorted to switching his bottles of painkillers so that the more powerful pills were contained in the low dose Tylenol bottle instead. If he ever needed the tablets at work he did not want his colleagues to see how much he was taking. 

Carefully bending his thin body down onto the toilet seat he hastily unscrewed the childproof cap open before swallowing two oval tablets in quick succession… just as his grandmother entered the bathroom.

"John dear did you not hear me… goodness gracious John you look dreadful. Are you alright?" Millicent asked, concerned for her youngest grandchild. She rushed over to him and placed her hand on his forehead, checking for a temperature.

"I'm fine Gamma, " he replied quickly removing his face from her hand and turning his body away from her inquisitive gaze. "I just slipped on the way into the bathroom and hurt my back, that's all."

Carter hastily returned the pill bottle to the front of the medicine cabinet before slowly lifting himself up and returning to his bedroom. Out of the corner of his eye he watched his grandmother follow him into his room, as he stiffly sank down into his desk chair. He rubbed his hand over his sore back, imaging the bruise that would soon appear there.

"Is there uh something I can do for you Gamma?" Carter asked, willing the pain medication to work faster. He was so fed up with the constant pain radiating from his back. It seemed sometimes that it was actually getting worse instead of better.

Millicent stared hard at her grandson before answering "That was David on the phone just now, our lawyer. He wanted to inform us that they have spoken with County and everything has been amended. You can return to work tomorrow if that is alright with you?" 

Carter raised his eyebrows in sheer astonishment. "Really? That's it, I can just walk right back into the ER? No questions, no conditions, nothing?" 

Taking in his Grandmother's nod Carter just stared at her open mouthed. This was too easy. He was expecting some resistance at the very least, but to just return like nothing had happened, surely Kerry and Mark would not just give in?

The doctor quickly returned his gaze to his grandmother. "Who did David speak with at the hospital, did he say?" He queried suspiciously.

"I think he said a Robert Romano," Millicent answered.

Carter could not believe it. Had Romano really believed him or had Kerry accepted what he had said all along? But yesterday she had seemed so determined to get him to that damn treatment place in Atlanta, what had changed her mind? The resident was obviously going to find out tomorrow.

"I think this calls for a celebration John, would you like to join me for lunch?"

"I'd like that very much Gamma."

"Good. I'll meet you downstairs shortly." 

Carter was about to head back into the bathroom when he noticed that his grandmother seemed to be in a fair amount of pain and was wearily rubbing her temples.

"Are you ok Gamma?" He asked putting his arm around her shoulder in a gesture of comfort.

"I'm fine John. I've just got a headache that's all. I didn't sleep very well last night and it has left me slightly tired. I think I will go and take a few Tylenol before we leave for the restaurant."

"We don't have to go if you are unwell."

"Nonsense dear," She insisted. "You go and get ready, I'll be fine." And with that she made her way out of his room to let her grandson get ready.


	5. Rock Bottom Part 5

"Rock Bottom" 

Part 5

Claire Leyland

Disclaimer:ER and all it's characters belong to NBC, etc and no infringement of their copyright is intended.

--------------------------------------------------

The electric glass doors shimmered in the sunlight as they glided apart to reveal the chaos that was County's emergency room at the present.

Carter paused just inside the crowded waiting area as, with a deep breath, he surveyed the variety of patients waiting to be attended to. He ran his hand through his hair as he observed the view around him. There were people with deep lacerations, people with painful ailments, and one person being violently sick into a nearby litter bin – a lovely sight to greet the young doctor on his arrival back.

Randy was overrun at the admit desk, throwing charts at passing doctors, screaming to people on various telephones, and trying to deal with the influx of patients demanding attention.

With all this commotion Carter just thought it best to head straight towards the safety of the doctors lounge and hang up his coat and belongings before heading out into the onslaught – just like any other day. 

As he opened his locker he realised that he hadn't seen Kerry or Mark yet, which seemed rather strange considering the effort they had put into releasing him from his duties so that he could fly to Atlanta. He honestly thought they would have cornered him the moment his foot entered the hospital. Making it alone to the lounge had been a big surprise. 

Shrugging his shoulders at his confusion, the resident hung his stethoscope around his shoulders and made a move back towards the patients that waited for him at reception. Kerry was bound to catch up with him eventually, he would just let her find him. 

After finding a quiet area towards the right end of the cluttered desk Carter sighed and started flicking through the various charts of offer in the rack until his eyes landed on an interesting case. He was just about to leave when Randy finally got off the phone and noticed him.

"Hey Dr Carter! What are you doing here?" She asked with a look of puzzlement on her face.

Carter just smiled smugly without looking up. "I work here Randy."

"Duh. But Dr Weaver informed us all that you were going on hiatus for a few months for some R and R."

"What?" Shooting his head up from his chart. Just how much had Kerry been telling everyone?

"Uh…yeah." Randy paused for a beat, flustered. Should she continue with what she had been saying or just shut the hell up. It was obvious that Carter didn't know what she was talking about and seemed rather angry at what she had said. "You were supposed to have left a few days ago according to Dr Weaver."

"Well Dr Weaver had made a mistake. I'm not leaving any time in the near future and you can tell that to anyone else who asks ok?" And with that he stormed over to Curtain 1 to see his patient. 

However just as he was about to enter the room Kerry Weaver suddenly exited Trauma 1 and her perceptive eyes landed straight on him.

"Carter?" She exclaimed in surprise. "I didn't think you would be in until later on today."

"Yeah well according to this week's schedule I was supposed to start at ten so I thought I would stick to that." Carter replied.

"The schedule was changed yesterday to accommodate your situation." 

"I know. Randy has already informed me that I'm supposed to be on hiatus for a couple of months. She knows my schedule better than me."

"Why don't we take this into the lounge?" Kerry asked quietly looking around the crowded corridor. "We can discuss this more privately."

"Well if you're sure Kerry. I mean it does seem that everyone in this ER knows about me already so we could stay out here if you want." The resident questioned sarcastically.

"John…"

"Fine," he replied holding his right arm out. "Lead the way."

----------------------------------------------------------

Slowly stepping down her long staircase Millicent Carter again rubbed her temples in pain. Ever since yesterday her head had been pounding relentlessly and painkillers only seemed to quench it for a while before it flared up again with a vengeance.

When she finally reached the bottom stair she hesitantly made her way into her large kitchen and started making a search for her bottle of Tylenol. She usually kept it in her medicine cabinet upstairs but she distinctly remembered bringing it downstairs with her yesterday afternoon before she left for lunch with her grandson. If only she could remember where she had put them.

In a few minutes she would have to leave if she was going to make it in time for her charity lunch at the town hall. It didn't start for another couple of hours but Millicent wanted to arrive early to verify that everything was prepared for the event.

Racing through all the wooden drawers around the kitchen, she searched frantically for the familiar bottle but it seemed to have completely disappeared.

She glanced again at the clock on the kitchen wall and she realised she would have to leave now. Her only alternative was to see if John had any Tylenol in his medicine cabinet, even though she didn't like to root though his personal belongings. But unless she wanted to suffer in silence it would have to be done; she wasn't prepared to miss such an important event and John would understand.

After a few moments hastily walking she arrived at her grandson's bathroom and proceeded to open the medicine cabinet above the sink. Fortunately the Tylenol bottle was staring out at her from the top shelf and Millicent quickly opened the bottle and swallowed two tablets with some water.

Before leaving she picked up the bottle of pills and placed them in her purse in case her headache returned whilst she was at the hall. 

-------------------------------------------------------

Kerry sighed before pushing the lounge door open and politely allowed Carter to enter the empty room first. Once he was in she followed the resident inside and sat down at the round table and waited for Carter to do the same. When they both were seated, if somewhat uncomfortably, Kerry took a moment to compose herself before breaking the silence. 

"How are you John?" She asked quietly, staring at him.

Carter shrugged his shoulders. "I'm fine. A little upset obviously over what happened. But on the whole I'm glad to be back."

Kerry sighed at Carter's curt reply. It was obvious that Carter still didn't think he had a problem.

"John come on, admit it." Kerry practically begged.

Carter looked back at her confused. "Admit what?"

"You've got a problem Carter that's pretty clear."

"God here we go again." He sighed rubbing his face with his hands. "How many times do I have to say it before you realise that you are completely wrong. I'm taking pain medication for my back but that doesn't mean that I have a problem."

"Ok if we are so wrong then why did you walk out on us the other day in Curtain Three? Why didn't you stay and explain yourself?"

Carter laughed bitterly. "You have to ask? My closest friends were falsely accusing me of being a drug addict. I wasn't going to stick around to listen to it."

"Carter look at yourself, this attitude of yours. You've been a different person since February."

"Not this again…." He cried angrily and stood up and threw his hands widely in the air.

"John listen…."

"No you listen! Look I'm sorry if I'm not all cheerful, cracking jokes and smiling twenty four hours a day, but I was stabbed in the back Kerry, twice. A lot has happened since February." He paused just before the lockers and sadly gazed at what was once Lucy's locker.

"Do you have any idea how hard it has been for me to come back here after that night? I used to love it here, walking around these corridors helping people and feeling as safe as can be. But now it's like I'm constantly looking over my shoulder, checking behind doors when I enter a room to see if there is anyone behind them.

Do you know what that's like?"

Kerry just silently shook her head as he sat down on the couch next to the window. She knew it would do him good to get everything out so she decided just to let him continue.

"When I have to see a patient that appears to be mentally unstable or if I have to perform a lumbar tap it's always running through my mind, is this the one…is this the one that's going to finish me off? He turned back to face her and Kerry's heart almost broke in two as she took in his haunted gaze.

And that room…" He extended his arm and scrunched his fist tightly as if pointing to it. "…That one room. When you took me into Curtain Three that day it was like it brought it all back to me; somebody was waiting in there for me, ready to hurt me. God when I walked into that room with you behind me I felt like all this started in that room and now it was going to end in there as well." 

Kerry gazed at the resident with tears shining in her eyes. "John we didn't mean to hurt you or betray you in any way…"

Carter chuckled and glared back at her, his eyes burning bright with anger. "Betray me? You did more than betray me Kerry. But don't worry about it, I'm getting used to being stabbed in the back."

Kerry just looked like she had been slapped in the face. She had been so close! She honestly believed that Carter was going to break down and finally admit to her and himself how dependent he had become on his meds.

Suddenly the lounge door burst open and a flustered Mark stormed in.

"I'm sorry to interrupt but we've got a trauma coming in." He turned to face Carter. "Carter I'm so sorry but it's your grandmother.


End file.
